Nostalgia, closure, and sentimentality

First things first. If you’re not listening to the early 2000s playlist on Spotify right now, you should be, because this gem of a song is on there, and you know what? Just do it. Just listen to me for your own sake. You don’t even have to thank me.

Now that the critical matters have been cleared up, lets get into the nitty gritty of how absolutely manic I feel right now. On the extreme downswell of some serious feels, I find myself really seeking inspiration out. Seeking it out everywhere: dusty, spider-webbed corners, the mucky bottoms of my winter boots, the research articles I write about the history of psychology, and even the endings of things. Sometimes, things are short for a reason. Sometimes, you would only learn the right lessons if the people who come into your life, leave.

In an attempt to improve myself, I’ve been paying attention to me. I’ve noticed some things.

  • I am bad at endings.
  • I like closure.
  • I have not, in the past, enjoyed unpredictability, and
  • I like bows (symbolizing finality etc etc).

These things make relationships hard for me, and they made joblessness hard for many years (I was not jobless for very long, ever, but had extreme anxiety about it). During school, my constant was… well… school. And work was unpredictable, sometimes feast and sometimes famine and it drove me absolutely insane. I had no real grip on what I could expect to find despite slowly, slowly building my work experience.

Having worked mainly contracts my entire life (full-time? benefits? what are ye’?), I’m starting to really get a hold on this, finally. Going to Europe also made me relax a lot regarding unpredictability. I am a stupidly hard worker when I’m fed creatively; I love people, am a great problem-solver  and annoyingly ambitious. But I’m not your next CEO, and I’m okay with that. I don’t want to be your CEO. I want to be able to take 2 weeks off sometimes, at the drop of a pseudo-planned hat, and go to Tulum. Or Fez. Okay?

I’m getting carried away (as usual) from all the points I wanted to make, but I think what I meant to say was, that THERE IS HOPE. Pre and post graduation, I lived in an almost constant state of panic. Now?

Chill, baby. Chill.

In Farsi, the term is safacity (spelled through pronounciation, shuttie). In Russian, it’s ras’slabon. There is hope. The reason I’m chill is that I finally realized that it’s okay to not be CEO at 24. I don’t need to be that, right now. What I do need is to capitalize on any opportunities that let me learn new things and strengthen the values that I will continue to use to live my life and connect with people that will support me.

I don’t have any impressive, scary responsibilities that prevent any big life changes. What I DO have is a million mini-tunities to stretch my brain in different directions, and then, if that doesn’t work, go a different way. Grow grow grow. Don’t overwhelm myself, and take advantage of the responsibility-less youth I exist in. Take advantage of being 24, not committed, able to earn money, able to travel, able to work on my physical, emotional, and spiritual health, and willing to support the people who are creating magic in the everyday.

For example, the reason my best friend is my best friend, apart from the fact that she drives me places and makes a kickass pan of brownies (and then eats it alongside me), is that she will send me a dealfind to Mexico with 7 exclamation points with a follow up message saying “[INSERT MONTH HERE]?!” And the reason I’m HER best friend is that I will say “UH. YES.” In reply, and then we will earnestly start planning this getaway despite working entry-level jobs, no promise of future income, and you know, no plans. Because f*** plans. Money will come. Memories will not come on their own. Memories have to be made, have to be reached for, have to be struggled through and experienced.

You have to be disappointed before you can be surprised. Life demands balance. You cannot skip the steps of struggle before reaching success.

Everything else? I don’t know. Sometimes, I wish there were no struggle, sometimes I wish people didn’t let me down, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, I wish things just worked out in exactly the way they felt they should work out. Sometimes, that seems like it would be fair.

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