Verified Rule #21: Put down the book, and write (like a motherfucker).

PS. Write like a motherfucker.

I’ve arrived at this point where I either scare myself shitless or continue being complacent with my achievements.

I choose to scare myself shitless.

I want this, this being to apply for a Master’s in something, because it scares me more than finding a job. With all of my posts about finding jobs and writing cover letters and all of my attempts at gaining employment, you’d think I would have found some by now. Even with my part-time school schedule and my living at home and everything else in my life that I claimed to be a “barrier” to a great job. None of these things are.

I am, though.

And I have been stopping myself from pursuing it at hurricane-force because my subconscious was trying to tell me something. So just like I wrote in a previous post, I needed to just let go to let everything come to me. And I knew it when it came. As a latte. In a Starbucks. In Markham, Ontario. While I am 22 and in a 5-year-long relationship with a man who blows me away every time I hear his voice. Living with my family.

I have a lot of wonderful things in my life, and I am not trying to spite them. But I am happy here, and I want to be scared and happy and learning. I want to be challenged. Whether that’s a personal instinct, or a professional one, or just crazy, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the “writer in me”, but that’s too simple. I want to scare myself out of being happy with complacency. I want to be excellent and insightful and explanatory.

I want to be scared and I want to have to struggle to put it all together myself. So I’m going to keep stuffing knowledge into my tiny little head. I’m going to put more content behind my writing, and in turn, I will turn my writing into what I’ve always wanted it to be.

I will be applying to Master’s programs from now until whenever the last application deadline is, which I think is sometimes in January February. I’m going to be applying to a bunch of schools all across Canada. I’m going to be reading the papers of the professors that teach there and chatting with my own. I’m going to be busting my ass to get where I want to be next year, because when I think of 2013, I see myself in school. I see myself researching female sexuality in the media or the effects of twitter on perceptions of prison communities or immigrant use of social media as a bonding element or EVERYTHING I want to know more about. I see myself in Montreal and Vancouver and St. John’s. I see it, I taste it, and my skin tingles when I think of it.

I want to feel enamored by knowledge again. I love York in how it’s taught me to write, but I didn’t love York. My experience here was not what I expected or wanted, and I want to find what I need to get from university. I will find it.

And finding it — the elusive it after reading and reading and reading all these years means forcing myself to write. I am going to write. And it is terrifying. It is my stomach in my toes and the numbness of my extremities and the held breath before the monster comes out of the closet. But it is thrilling. I have been reading and growing. But I don’t want to be a library. I want to be a writer. And my Master’s will help me do both, hopefully.

Thanks for reading through these rules with me, lovely readers. It’s all things I know, and you knew, and we all knew, but needed to hear again. Isn’t that the way books are, sometimes, too?

Sometimes, you read to filling, and then comes a moment where you scare yourself into doing something terrifying with all your knowledge. Like putting it down on paper.

A.

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4 thoughts on “Verified Rule #21: Put down the book, and write (like a motherfucker).

  1. Sounds like you’ve got a bad case of wanderlust, m’dear! 🙂 I owe you an email, sorry about that. I heartily encourage any decision to move to Montreal or St. John’s. Seriously.

    Like

    • I do! You know I do. But I’m so excited that I can fulfill it with a purpose now and really get entrenched somewhere and have the chance to explore it by myself (while being miserably scared and overwhelmed, but still). And that I have my mother’s support. It calms my heart a bit.

      I’m SO excited. And don’t worry! Get to the email when you have a break from gallivanting across Canada. I will wait. 🙂

      Like

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