Why You Should Hire Me

Hi there.

I figured, as an homage to my new writerly (I really think that should be a word) site, I would whore my skills out for some jobbifying wondergoodness.

Clearly, I’m going to be hired on as a writer. People are going to be scrambling not only to get me to write them epic poems for which they will pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for, but also to patent my new words.

But here’s the real thing – the job market sucks. Finding even a part-time job for youth is like a 0 in a million chance. You know why 0? Because every job has prerequisites for which you need a prerequisite 3 imaginary years during which you would have been working and studying simultaneously in some weird space-time-continuum like Hermione Granger was in Harry Potter.

So, yeah, 0 in a million chance. (Unless you’re covered in awesome-sauce.)

But I’m going to go for it anyway, because I have ovaries of steel and it’s about damn time I move out of my parents house. Yes, from the moment I press the “Publish” button, this becomes public knowledge. What else does it become? Nothing. This despicable fact loses all hold over me.

Oh. Hold on – YES MOM, I WANT DINNER. 

WHAT?

NO, NO GREEN PEPPERS.

Getting back on track now, here is a letter to all future employers:

Hello future HR representative,

I am the kicking-assest writer that has ever walked the earth. You know that guy that said that  writers being egotists was a myth? That man was a liar. 

I fucking rock. And you can’t judge my writing simply based on my blog. Oh no – you have to take a gander around this lovely website and look at all my publications. I say this with great humility. Through a megaphone, but with humility. Especially that part about being in Metro.

But not only do I fucking rock, I rock because of the following reasons:

  • I knit shit for you when you have a tough work week. 
  • I taunt you with coffee in the morning. It might taste like feces, but it smells divine.
  • I push my deadlines up a week (if I can) (at least in school I did this with long-term projects) so that I have time to revisit my work and make it perfecter than perfect.
  • I chit-chat and listen to griping. I enjoy this. Sometimes, I gripe. I hope you’ll listen.
  • I care about my work. A lot. And if you give me interesting projects, I will run with them like a horse with a carrot and come back as a magical unicorn.
  • I joke when life requires joking, and I get shit done when shit needs to get done.
  • I am a sponge. Feed me interesting new processes, information, or useless facts, and I shape-shift that into efficient gettin’-‘er-done-ness.

And many other valuable coworker qualities.

All this and a bag of chips if you hire me. And that’s the key word there, isn’t it. Hire. Someone needs to pay me money to do something interesting soon, or else I will obtain a dour, bitter film all over my skin that will make me angry at all employed people everywhere, and I will have to stop leaving my home and become a hermit. 

And I really love Tim Horton’s but they don’t deliver so I can’t become a hermit. Don’t you understand?

YOU NEED TO HIRE ME.

Thank you,

Arina

Everyone: hands up as to who thinks this will work?

-A

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Why You Should Hire Me

  1. “Through a megaphone, but with great humility.”

    This paragraph made me laugh. Well, I can’t tell you whether it’ll work, but getting out there is the only thing we can do, right? All the best to you in your job search.

    Like

  2. I don’t have any Pennies to offer you but I do have my prayers and lord knows that my words are worth their weight in gold. Maybe my celestial buddies will cut you a cheque 😉

    Like

  3. I like the helpful info you provide for your articles.
    I’ll bookmark your weblog and test once more here regularly.
    I’m somewhat certain I will be told many new stuff right right here!
    Good luck for the next!

    Like

  4. An intriguing discussion is definitely worth comment.
    I do think that you should write more about this subject matter, it may not be a taboo subject
    but typically people don’t discuss these subjects. To the next!

    Many thanks!!

    Like

Gripe here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s