I’ve been watching the show Revenge, due to a few suggestions from friends and most emphatically, from my mother. It’s an exciting show about betrayal and love and, obviously, revenge. I’ve watched the whole first season over 4 days. But what’s been resonating with me lately is that in the show, Emily knows exactly when to strike, and how to set things up so her plan works out. She knows the right moment because she feels it, because she can somehow read the situation.
I like to believe that I am a good reader. Not just in the book sense, but in Emily’s sense as well. I like to think that I can generally feel out a situation, or a person, and see what’s going to happen or whether her new boyfriend is a twat or not. I trust my gut.
When I stop trusting my gut, I panic. I double-check everything. I sweat and I break out and I worry. When it came to my future, I always panicked. But where I am in the present is so obviously a pre-show for my future. And you know what’s so great about the present?
It’s that the future can go anywhere; in any direction. Berlin. San Francisco. Boston. Nicaragua (although I doubt they have much need for English writers/editors/all around nice Russian-Canadian human beings who are only good at the 2 previous things down there). And it feels like the right moment.
I didn’t get the internship I so desperately wanted in Turkey, but how utterly lucky was I to get an internship at Harlequin? I don’t even want to think about how many people applied because then I would grow an ego the size of a high-rise and then I’d have to slap myself.
But it’s not only this internship that will take me to the places I so desperately want to be, it’s me. It’s all on me and — I’m totally fucking capable of going where I want to be. I’m not afraid of hard work, and I’m not afraid of life being uncomfortable. But I will get to where I want and plan to be.
And where I want to be is not located on Wall St. It’s not in a bank. It’s not wearing nice suits or working with celebrities. It’s my own version of happiness. It’s writing for a living. It’s safety. It’s free time. It’s collaboration with great minds.
I can do all this because I have always been a creator. Whether or not the economy sucks, or the world turns (like all the days of our lives…), I will succeed.
Throughout high school all I wanted to do was get out; as far away as possible from the suburban hell that I lived in. I wanted cities. I wanted clubs. I wanted life with interesting, intelligent people. Well… now is my time.
University didn’t suck, but it was definitely an incubator. I’m ready to crack my egg from the inside. I’m ready to seize that moment that only I can orchestrate. I am signaling the crescendo. The next couple of years are going to be life-changing. They are going to be amazing.
And I don’t want to leave my home anymore for the same reasons as I did in high school. I want to leave because I feel that this is that moment that it is time for me to “go forth and conquer.” A lot of my friends (on Facebook and otherwise) are getting engaged. Settling into big jobs.
All I want is to get away from all of that, to be honest with you guys. I want to connect and stretch my brain, I want to expand the muscles of my empathy and understanding. I want to do so much, and I’m going to start now. So I know when my moment is. It’s coming. And it’s now.
And I am going to do a hell of a lot about it.