I’m not the dolt of a person that expects everything to stay the same, nor am I the sad sack that resents it all for changing. But sometimes, the quickness of life catches me off guard. Today wasn’t a good day for me, in that lackluster, stressful, overwhelming but non-distinctive way that January days tend to be. I was just bummed about assignments, about health, about lack; the weather and the lack of weather, money and the lack of that, too.
But tonight, reading Anne Frank (for what seems like the millionth day), and taking a break to watch Hart of Dixie, I heard this lovely song.
And I just felt lighter. I thought about all the problems I was having right now, and I thought: fuck it. I am a capable, intelligent, exciting person who will not let the stress of a simple Bachelor’s degree overwhelm my sense of self. At least, I won’t let it affect me any more tonight.
And just like that, I calmed down. My worries, my anxiety, my physical fatigue just faded. I read for reading’s sake, I fed my stomach and my soul, and I felt at peace with these little decisions.
I didn’t think today was going to be a good day from the moment I woke up. I knew that I would need coffee before class and toothpicks for my eyelids, despite having gotten enough sleep. I knew that there would be some sort of dull tenderness around some topics, but life is funny in that it makes you confront every moment regardless of your fear of it. If you are feeling hurt, don’t worry about being in pain, just worry about persevering through it.
And then everything will change, and that moment that seemed it would last forever will be a pinprick in a porcupine’s blanket and you will look at it and wonder why you were so focused on that one little needle.
It would grow, eventually. Fall out. You would push out new quills and worry about new holes in your life.