the texture of a sigh

I’m not sure what this post is going to be about, but I haven’t typed things out in a while. I’ve been writing (carefully and ever-so-daintily) in my journal lately, which has been very back-to-basics cathartic for me. I was spending a week at a cottage my family rented, and survived to tell the tale. Muskoka is rated pretty well; it’s not over-rated, but it’s not under-rated either. It’s just.. rated.

Like a restaurant or a movie,  like wine or roller-coasters (?). But it smells amazing and sounds like home.

What’s funny is that when I wrote, “i am a cabin in the woods” I wasn’t fully sure that I was going to go. I was thinking about spending a week by myself in Boston. Maybe this should be a Verified Rule post, but I’m too bed-ridden-by-choice to think up of quirky names and turns of phrase that make me giggle in my bedroom.

I’m not too pleased with my reality relapse since yesterday afternoon. Partially pleased with some new purchases (skirts! shoes on sale!) but I feel too lethargic already. In Muskoka, I spent all day swimming, reading, writhing in the sun like an earthworm in a rainstorm – I got pooped after lunch and took a nap to rejuvenate myself. Here, I feel like my only altar is my bedroom, which I hardly ever leave. I have to mention, however, that the humidity here has been jacked. Literally, jacked all the way up to the “sauna” setting. That’s not normal GTA weather, so I’ve been keeping my toesies frozen and under blankets while this temperamental weather of ours makes up its mind (are you raining, or sun-shining? WHICH IS IT?), but it’s no excuse for the lameness that I’ve found my daily routine to be.

Maybe it’s the lack of concrete timetables (no more summer school, lack of stressful deadlines) that’s making me all patchy and unglued, but I feel like I’m not too happy holed up in my room. That and I miss my bubby, which doesn’t improve anything for me. He’s coming back in 2 weeks, and while I’m going to try to cram in as much friend time as possible between now and then, I’ve been seriously hoarding my alone-time whenever I can get it.

Overall, I’m a fucking useless conundrum right now. Or as Katy Perry would say in her everlasting deity-challenging wisdom, “You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no.

I want to see people and I want a million hours of alone time. I want to read and I want to dance. I want to paint and I want to write. I want to work and I want to sleep. And in the midst of all this confusion, I barely end up doing anything at all. Why can’t I just set out a time for things other than “wasting time on the internet”? It doesn’t sound as difficult as it actually is, but I think it’s becoming a problem of the serious sort.

I need to use my time.

At Muskoka, this was never a problem, and I didn’t have withdrawal, either.

Gone are the days of desktops and dial-up internet, but they were simpler days, were they not? Not imbued with a need to imdb every actor that pops into your mind throughout the day, or the fervent desire to see “school/Ivy-league inspired movies”, or to watch every book-to-film ever created, or to catch up on Geordie Shore (the abomination to my dignity), or to watch cat videos on Youtube.

I watch a lot of pointless shit, and I don’t feel like I was missing any of it.


But more importantly, anybody know any Ivy league inspired movies? (Cause if I’m not a hypocrite…)



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