dusk on the naberezhnaya

I’m back from Russia (for 2 days already, today is the day Real Life starts again, but not really because I have no pressing need to venture outside) and I’m in a strange state. Happy of course, but still learning that I only need one space after a period, so that’s bumming me out a little bit.

As I lounge around my house like I did before I left, catching up on old TV shows before I realize I’ve been wilfully procrastinating ergo making life more difficult for myself ergo bumming myself out on purpose, I realize that there is something missing.

All of the cued posts that I had lined up in Google Reader I end up skimming over – the ones that look long, saving for later (always later) – and don’t bother with looking, in a frantic thirsty manner, for more photographs, pictures, things that tell me a story in .2 seconds. I don’t want to read anything unless it’s new, and that happens because I read a lot and I get overwhelmed sometimes, but it’s different because I’ve come back from a 2 week-long hiatus from thinking, so to speak, except that it didn’t really feel like a vacation, but a kind of strange alternate universe that I wasn’t really sure I was really living in, but at the same time was convinced with because I had all these tasks lined up in the back of my head for when I came back which made it real but unreal because I didn’t want to come back to a whole brain-load full of work.

I’m not sure that sentence made sense, but I feel so rushed, even in breathing, that I don’t want to go and read it over – I don’t even want to delete any words or look over to see if anything makes sense because that takes time, that takes editing and thought and I am kind of tired of thinking, kind of tired of rushing my breath. I want to hibernate.

In short, because I will forget everything later even though I kept a diary, it was quiet. No clubs, no strange European excursions and (thank Universal Forces) no churches – although they were everywhere and beautiful. I wanted to go to spend some time with my grandparents, and I don’t think I even did enough of that for the 2 weeks I was there. My stomach didn’t agree with me and that made the first week very house-ridden and TV-watching. That’s okay, I heard Gilmore Girls in Russian though, so that was exciting.

I bought some things – not a lot because my concept of money has changed in a 180 degrees sort of manner since I was a teenager (more on this later!) – but nice things. Tall black suede winter boots with a delicious feminine ad comfortable heel, and a long and gauzy brick-coloured skirt that I am positively in love with. I also stole lots of things from my grandmother, it was like vintage shopping for free, and also my favourite part. A few sweaters, jewellery, a bag whose identical replica I saw in a store for $100.  Just so I remember (although it doesn’t matter). I came back with scarves, black and white pictures and souvenirs for my friends.

I came back knowing 3 stations of the Moscow subway (Lyubianka, Kitai’ Gorod, and Taganka) and a belly full of Azeri food. I realized that the same great-uncle that used to whisper me stories during afternoon siestas in the hammock at my great grandmothers cottage, now doesn’t know how to act around me. I realized I hate people who flaunt money but personally love fur coats (they look so elegant when the whole town is adorned with them!)

I realized that I love tea and discussions surrounding the process like pillow-forts of thought. I don’t like smoking, handed from a second or otherwise.

I decided that I need to write more – for the past 6 months I’ve been on a strange run of not writing, and I can’t be okay with that anymore. It’s eating its way out from inside, and I’m not a masochist. Apart from that, I was spoiled rotten by my boyfriend for our 3rd anniversary (which I missed!) when I got back. With THIS. Oh baby. I smell it all the time and sometimes rub it against my face while whispering really dirty things.

I’m a lucky girl in many ways – but I have to keep remembering that I need to do only as much as I’m capable of at a time. I don’t need my future laid out in my palm at every second of every day just so I can take a step forward. I need to take steps forward regardless, time has taken care of that for me.

Speaking of which, my internship at TalentEgg ended abruptly – due to company reforms and as sad as I am about it (I loved working there, and everything I was learning was incredible and I love the company itself) I know that they’re doing what’s best and that’s great. And I’m happy for them and so so glad that I’m on good terms with them.

But I’ve been procrastinating for a good many hours and now it’s about time I bid you “dasveedanya” and begin… things.

March will not be pleasant but it is only 30 31 days.

A

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