something like knocking over a bottle of good wine

I don’t write stories, and my poetry is pretentious.  I can’t make a character believable or a landscape identifiable.  The words I use are convoluted and ambiguous, and I’m not quite sure what it was that provided me the inspiration and conviction that I wanted to be a writer.  I’m sure I would make a fantastic kindergarten teacher, or a nurse.  I’m very caring, and I always have a chest of words ready for comforting.  I have a good moral compass, but way too much sense and realism to be the sort of writer I want to be.  I want surrealism, I want fiction, I want stories that you can’t believe happened – but I am too scared. I am too scared, and I am too stuck, and I need a life plan too badly to do anything I want.

I am too afraid to be scared somewhere else from where I am now.  I am sitting in some stupid, suburban library, going back to my stupid suburban home and I feel as if I must be going crazy.  I’m doing tasks one after another like ants stashing food for winter, or planets orbiting.  Same thing every thousand million years.  I am doing nothing. I am not writing, and I miss writing, but I feel like I lack all the basics of a writer.  Apart from the passion. Even that is stunted because of my fear of failure.  But what is like but a constant stream of failures and readjustments? Still, knowing this, and believing in it is not enough for me to become unafraid.

Maybe I read too many “guides” – how to cook, how to be an international teacher, how to stay out of trouble when travelling, how to save up money and spend money and make sure you earn enough money to save it, how to become a better reader and writer and thinker and logician, how to write essays, how to deal with people, how to dress, how to be, how to see things.

I don’t like guides anymore – they just make me want 500 things and accomplish none of them.

-Arina

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3 thoughts on “something like knocking over a bottle of good wine

  1. Just do one or do slightly crazy things a day, or week, or month and see where it leads. You don’t even have to take huge risks. When you move a little off the path, life moves toward you. You just have to know when it is getting too weird for you to handle. Know your weirdness quotient. Don’t let anyone tell you what is cool. Stretch your world in new ways, the poetry will come. You can always go home when it gets to strange for you to use.

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    • How does one calculate a personal weirdness quotient?

      Haha.

      I think that’s what I’ll have to do, anyway… what other way is there but a day at a time and one thing at a time? It’d be good if you could get rid of fears en masse though. Like… cleaning out your mental closet.

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  2. I agree about the guides, feels like there’s a manual for every aspect of life. I’m gonna write one titled 10 Tips for Doing Your Own Freaking Thing and Not Listening to a Self-Help Manual. Forge ahead, lady. No two paths are the same.

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