I really like to be alone, to be lonely. It puts me out of place. It makes me feel disoriented, like I should be doing something. Do you ever have days like that? When nothing is pressing on you, but there’s things to be done that you don’t mind doing? It’s like, if life were always normal, this would be a normal living day. Things to do, mostly silence, a little tea in between.
Or maybe it’s just cosmic forces pulling me around and I don’t really like being lonely. It’s fake enjoyment, because nobody can ever really like being lonely can they? I think it’s quiet, so quiet. I miss my family when it’s quiet but when they’re here I hate the quiet because it’s not simultaneous. I can’t be alone and with family at the same time, but I feel like that’s always what I’m trying to do, and getting frustrated by my failure to succeed.
And, well, it makes me do things, having time alone. Because I don’t like owning up to myself at the end of the day and saying (if only to the mirror): “I did absolutely nothing intelligent today.” I don’t like the feelings that come with those sort of admissions. I’d have rather had a full day. Research, exercise, family, noise, food. Maybe I didn’t get all of the things I planned to done, but I never do do I. I guess it’s just never a big deal to me – I can do it tomorrow.
Not everyone in university has such freedom right now, I know that, and I’m not trying to brag. It’s just that I’ve miraculously found myself in a bubble of stretched out deadlines and finished readings and 2 days of work/2 days of school (some of which I skip to go to the park or something, if the weather is good), and I just have a lot of free time. At least it doesn’t feel like TV shows are dominating all of my spare time anymore. I hated that, but I felt like I didn’t have any other options last year. It was either that or just sadness alone in my room. Or, worse – socializing with people I thought were dull and yet full of themselves.
I like this bubble. It’s like my own little summer in a pocket. I doubt that after I find my second job I’ll have lots of time to enjoy everything that happens in the next four months…. but maybe maybe. Four months, if you think about it, is an awful lot of time. I wish there were courses at York I could take that would let me progress my degree instead of just… rubbish. I just have to work this summer, but I could have taken a course if there was one to take. And there’s not. Like, at all. That was kind of disappointing.
But volunteering for Existere should be fun. Finally I get to be a commentator and a critic. There were some girls in my poetry class last year that were fantastic at it, but since I got bored when my prof talked (sometimes, ok, not all the time – and his voice was like a lullaby) I tended to stay quieter during discussion as well. We’ll see – it’s all online so I won’t get to meet a lot of people, but that sounds a-ok to me.
I plan on spending a lot more time outdoors this summer, even if it is with my computer. Maybe a journal, or a book. Lots of reading to do this summer. Hunchback of Notre Dame, Marquez, and some woman that my English prof mentioned along with Marquez. Alice… Menendez? I wrote it down somewhere.
Anyway – all I’m saying here is that I enjoy the quiet I have lately. It’s not all quiet. In fact, only maybe 1 day out of 7 is, but that (while very little) is good. I’ll take what I can, until I can move out. Plus who knows, maybe once I have quiet all of the time, I won’t like it so much.
Or maybe it’ll force me to go and do something – like it did today.
I also figured out that song that I used as a title for yesterday’s post: Hey Soul Sister by Train… those lyrics aren’t quite as accurate as I was convinced they were. Anyway, where did Train come from? Didn’t they sing that song about the stars or something, back 10 years ago or so, when I was 9? I haven’t heard of them since… but, you know. Don’t call it a comeback. The guys all look the same though.. creepy. And check out the lead singer’s dance moves. So groovy.
They kind of remind me of Savage Garden, kind of syntho-trance-buddha pop (OHMYGODTHISISMYFAVOURITESONG). W-oah, wayback playback much!? Damn. I think I lost that CD. I was crushed when I didn’t find it in its case. Crushed, I tell you.. truly madly deeply. So crushed that I wanted to stand with you on a mountain, and lay with you in the sea….
That’s enough for today. Today is a wonderful version of Friday. Too bad they say the weather’s getting worse.