Hyper Drive

Right now I can’t focus on anything, my head is going in circles.  Usually what I do in situations like this is cuddle under my blankets, put on a tv show and forget about everything that’s troubling me.  But I can’t.  And it always happens when my life is in the middle of everything that I can’t put down.

I watched the documentary Waterlife about the ecosystem of the Great Lakes and how it’s ruined by all of the factories and shit that throw their garbage into them.  It takes 350 years for water to flow from Lake Superior out through the St. Lawrence River into the Atlantic ocean.  The great lakes have 20% of the world’s fresh water.  Drinkable.  Before.  Not anymore.  Now there’s PCD’s and anti-depressants and all sorts of other shit in our water.  All of the stuff they tell us not to take with our medicine at the pharmacy? It’s all in our water.  And why?  Why can’t we say “NO” to companies that build their mills on our lakes? Why can’t we say “NO” you can’t build anything unless you can clean it up?  Don’t parents teach that to their children whenever they get a pet?  A corporation is more than a pet – you can stop a pet from biting strangers and infecting them with diseases, with preventable measures.  We could do that with our companies.  But have we? Have they? Or are they just greedy for money that it would take them to make them more environmentally friendly? Yes.  They are.

My boyfriend still can’t find a surgeon to do a freaking FOLLOW UP for a surgery that’s already happened.  A FOLLOW UP.  I can’t help feeling frustrated when he’s got absolutely no call-backs from anyone since LAST WEDNESDAY.  That’s 10 days.  He’s in constant pain every day because he has an open wound on his back.  He can’t bend over. He can’t sit.  He can sleep and watch tv.  The gash isn’t allowed to heal from outside in so it’s packed with gauze soaked in alcohol every day.  New gauze, which means that the old gauze has to be taken out.  This, I don’t even want to explain the sort of pain it is.

When I was young I had to have a surgery for my kidneys.  There was something wrong with my ureter from birth but nobody noticed it until I had a temperature of 42 and was about to die.  In Russia, that’s understandable.  But also, I was rushed to a hospital where I had a surgery performed.  I spent about a month at the hospital and thanks to my grandparents paying off tons of doctors to do their jobs properly (so I wouldn’t get an overdose or underdose of anaesthesia, so the surgeon wouldn’t be drunk when performing my surgery, etc), I survived.  Later, my stitches started coming out and they had to restitch them (the cut is right above my pubic bone, people always ask if I’ve had a c-section when they see it – I haven’t) while I was awake.  Local anaesthesia didn’t really minimize the fact that they were sewing me up in front of my eyes and it felt like rusted, hard wires being pulled out of me.  The stitching didn’t matter, but the taking out of the old ones did.  This is what I imagine it feels like for my boyfriend, except without the local anaesthetic, without anything.  They just take it out and stuff a new one into the wound.  Lots of pain ensues, and there is only so many painkillers you can take without damaging your system, especially his already messed up one.

The fact that he can’t even figure out if he needs a further surgery is ridiculous.  What would be the point of lying at home now and healing for several weeks if he had to go through it all over again in a month?  Through all of that pain?  I consider that torture.  Negligence.  Absolute un-care.  I realize it is no longer an “urgent” case – the risk of paralysis is gone.  And lots of people live through pain every day: my grandmother was a wonderful case.  The woman had everything wrong with her that COULD be wrong with her: diabetes, arthritis, scoliosis, and a heart defect.  But his pain can be solved.  It can either heal, which will be a lot of pain, but at least it’ll be concluded.  Or he will need another surgery to fully make sure the infection is out of his body and won’t reoccur.  Of course it would be more logical to do the surgery now, before everything is healed, instead of opening it up again.  Of course it would make sense to fix everything when the way is clear and let the poor guy heal at home.  Now, he’s missing a semester of school, of work opportunities, of life.

Why my teeth are healing properly I’m not going to ask.  I do not and will not ever ask for more burdens on myself.  But.  I NEED life to start being a little more fair to those I love.  It is not fair to ask me to love these people when they are so sick, because I can’t stand to see them so sick and I can do nothing about it.   It is not fair.  Infections are such dangerous things.  So, so dangerous.  My grandmother died from them.  The fact that my dad and grandfather bring up that she had an infection does not help matters – I tell them to stop any time I hear them talking in that direction.  I don’t need that relevance.  This isn’t going to be serious but sometimes I can’t help but let my mind wander into that territory, because really, he’s going to be stranded at home for such a long time going through this.  Going through this pain.  His quality of life right now is so shitty compared to the life he usually leads.

I was going to write this post about people and how they don’t understand the simple things in life.  I was going to write about how professors with their heads up their asses are everywhere and people who care are so little.  I was going to ramble about all of the things I have been rambling about lately.  But this is what’s really bugging me.  This, I can’t get out of my head, not even for a second.  Because I know the pain doesn’t leave him.  And my life has to go on, because his mother is there to take care of him.

I have to read James Joyce’ A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.  And it sucks, 2 pages in.  And I don’t get it.  And I need to think about assignments and fixing my teeth and writing.  And I can’t.

I don’t even think I’m going to publish this. I don’t need anybody to read this – but I did need to write it.

Ciao. Arina.

Hopefully I’ll have a more coherent and less sad post tomorrow for my readers.  I’m just so sad, and hormonal lately.


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