and whisper in your ear, “I want to tear you apart”

Hi you all!  Whoever you are. 🙂

It’s hard to follow a post as over-blown and kitschy as the last one – all dreading the new year and hating life and all.  It’s not that I really hate life, I kind of wanted to clear that up.  It’s not that I am alone.  I just think that people sometimes ebb and flow away from each other, especially during the winter, when there is less sunlight, and those two factors combined make my life a pretty desperate affair.  I’m very sensitive, see – I always have been.  To tone, inflection, sarcasm, sincerity; all that.  It’s hard for me to ignore the way people treat me and talk to me, because, I figure, if they’re talking to me then their actions are directed at me and that they are thinking about what they are doing and saying a great deal of the time.  I have found that this is not true in the least.  People say shit they don’t mean all of the time but that doesn’t stop me from taking offence/getting upset because of this.  In fact, if anything it just upsets me more because they don’t care enough to watch what they say to me.

I think people should always think about what they say, and while I realize that this is not possibly conceivable 100% of the time, it should be possible as often as freaking possible.  Because think about it – what you say reflects who you are, what you think, what you believe.  If not for those things, how are others supposed to understand you and what you mean.  Your outward social expressions are what people judge you based on (I use the term “judge” loosely here because I just mean in the way as figure out what kind of person you are as opposed to the whole putting people in categories bullshit).

That’s why I’m feeling a little disoriented in society lately.  People don’t really have that… get to know your neighbour, bake a friend cookies, walk to their house to TALK mentality.  That’s just not North American culture – but it is mine, despite having lived there shortly (I only lived 7 years on Russian soil, and 12 in Canada at this moment in time).  It is all of my parents friends and my Persian boyfriend and his Armenian friends that subscribe to the same culture of treatment.  That is what I love about some people that I know.  While I know it’s wrong to expect everyone to live up to your expectations, I don’t think it’s wrong to expect people to care about you.  And that is what upsets me about my situation as of late.  Just to make myself clear.

I don’t quite know if I’m doing a good job but I’ve had a long day at the bar.

That’s actually what this post is supposed to be about.  Horniness.  Alcohol.

So, ever since I’ve been working at this tiny English pub since September, I’ve noticed several things that I can only assume I was naive to not know beforehand.

  1. People, (and I say people here because I don’t want to single men out here because women do this as well, with great fervor) whether they are 16 or 60 act in exactly the same way when they drink copious amounts of alcohol.  They sing, they love (unless they’re the hateful drunk, which I just let my bartender deal with) and they say stupid shit and don’t give a crap about anything.  They also generally tend to throw money at you, a rather beneficial part of this ridiculous display (for me).
  2. People, despite being older than 16 and supposedly having “calmer” hormones, also act like stupid testosterone/estrogen ridden youths when injected with an abundance of mood-altering liquids.  Incessant sexual innuendoes and obviously pointing out the actions of the other person are wonderful things that sound kind of like:
    “Why are you rubbing your crotch on my hard knee?”
    “I’m no-oooot”
    “You’re right, that’s because it’s not my knee that’s hard.”Tasty.
  3. Old men/people are dirty dirty dirty and so far the oldest age to hit on me has been 67.  Apparently at 51 + mens’ libidos are still alive, kicking and wanting to stick their shrinking wieners into any young or old or non-human orifice they can still lay their hands on.  Sometimes it’s in good fun, and you have to listen to a lot of that sort of crap if you work in the sort of bar I do, but sometimes you just can’t help but roll your eyes, call them an asshole and walk away.  (In that loving, jaunty way you can when you’re 19 and can get away with everything.)

So those were my observations of bar life but I really should start writing down more things about it or else I am positive that I will forget.  But really, these guys make me laugh.  A lot.  And I need that in my life more so now than ever.  Screw same aged friends.  I gots old, job-having, sex-knowing, buying-me-drinks-because-they-can-afford it friends.

So suck on that.

Okay, don’t.

Okay, a little.

Okay okay okay.  But really, back to that serious life stuff?  It’s shitty and I’m in a shitty mood and life really isn’t that bad.  I know that.  More or less.  I just needed some comforting and nobody was really there.  And that sucked, but with each of those things I get stronger, so I learn and I live and that makes ME a better person because I get over it.

All this talk of sex though….. me-ooowwww (‘cuz well, I’m still 19).

I’ll leave you to think about all of that and chew on it for a bit.  We’ll talk about that later.

Ciao. Arina.

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4 thoughts on “and whisper in your ear, “I want to tear you apart”

  1. Some people grow old but never grow up. Some people are born old and are never able to lighten up. If you are somewhere in between which most people are you grow up a little at a time, but the process is not a straight line. People wander about in moods and regress, especially when they drink. If you continue to observe and practice distancing yourself from people’s behaviors, you will learn to spot the ones that can teach you something. They will probably break your heart too, but what the hell else ya gonna do.

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    • My heart is already broken enough as is, thank you very much, haha….. but no doubt I’ll get sadder because so far I know a very small sliver of the world.

      I always thought I was too wise for my age… a little older in the soul department. Sometimes, though, I very much fit into my 19 year old body.

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  2. I sympathise deeply. I often find myself upset or offended on things people don’t generally mean to say. A joke here, a sarcastic remark there, and in most cases, an insult to the face (meant in the most nicest way possible, of course. Ha.); even though I know they don’t mean what they say, I still take it to heart. Unfortunately, I’m just as guilty of doing that to other people as well. =( Something I’m not quite proud of. Maybe I should write everything I want to say so I actually stop and think about it. Hee.

    I never had the chance for the mentality you speak of. I’ve heard of it of course, seen it countless of times in story books and TV shows, but I’ve never experienced it first-hand. It’s difficult when at a young age you’re taught never to talk to strangers and that it’s bad to go to the doors in your neighbourhood, even if you think you know that. I know they mean well, but still. People just don’t connect like that anymore and it’s something we most definitely need in our lives. Perhaps it’s not too late for me to give it a try. I did make some delicious peanut brittle I could always share with my neighbours, and more chocolate on the way apparently.

    And for sure! You should definitely make note on the things you learned and share it with us. =)

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    • I sometimes say harsh things but never in a way that people don’t know I’m joking. But honestly, that’s kind of my sense of humour, and if someone doesn’t get it, I’ll explain that to the person.

      That’s true – ever since I’ve come to Canada (or maybe I’m just linking the two in my head) my parents have always been, “Don’t talk to strangers” whereas in Russia hardly anyone around us were strangers. It’s just so much… NICER to go and talk to people. So so much. I think I miss something that I never even knew very well because of the simple fact that it’s just communication that I’m missing in my heart.

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