Hello from 2:22 am on New Years Day. It really says something about my social life that this is when my first post of the new year is, doesn’t it? I’ve been very into self-deprecating things lately. It’s kind of a bad habit I’ve picked up.
Ignoring that (as I do all bad habits until they start being a pain), I’ve noticed that, as expected, everyone is writing posts about resolutions. Truth be told, I don’t really believe in “resolutions”. I think that if you need a change in 2 numbers in a year that no one will remember in the future anyway (myself included) to get you off your butt and change something, it means you’re not going to change anything. If you really wanted to change some things you would start whenever or now. This just gives people an excuse to think they’re doing something more positive in their life (when really they’re just bitching and complaining about how they’re not doing any of their resolutions for the first two weeks to anyone that will listen) and a reason to get drunk and think that things will get better.
More and more I find myself cynical about a great many things. I still love babies, but life just doesn’t have a kick to it right now. I feel like at home, I’m this inward person with constant issues with ideas and people and outside in the “real world” I am the generally chipper and witty person I always was. But something inside has changed, it has shifted to something a little bit more morose. I’m not going to lie to myself and say it wasn’t because of what happened between my boyfriend and myself not a few weeks ago. That changed a lot, but I guess the full baggage train is really settling into the station of my mind now, because it seems that my whole outlook on life has altered. Not completely changed, mind you – I still believe in a lot of the things I did before: altruism, socialism, the arts, children’s blank canvas-type minds, even more vehemently, but I am more skeptical about other things: friendships, relations, transparency in government, than I was. Those are the completely simplified versions of things that I think, and obviously not garnished by my full biases on the subjects, but you get the general idea.
Anyway, I’ve made some life resolutions, instead of New Years resolutions. I will write more. Read more. I will stop wasting my time on stupid tv shows (as much as I did before). I will try to honestly forgive people close to me. I will try to be kinder and care more about my mode of life as it relates to my views and opinions on the world. I will care less about people’s actions towards me and take interest in social things that don’t have strings attached to them.
These things have been coming – you can see them in some of the past posts I’ve written. And I’m glad they have been. Because I wouldn’t be content writing “#1: Exercise more.” on here because I would be lying to you and to myself. I am exercising more as is because I have started to really care about my body again, and I am tired of being sick. This has nothing to do with the new year. We put a lot of weight on it to “change” things. But things don’t change themselves, people change things. It’s like that saying, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” It’s true – nothing happens without our will and therefore that is what we should depend on. Our inner desires to live life in a better way.
And I have that desire in me.
This year was kind of awful. Kind of not. My grandmother died in the summer. I switched universities and left my city life behind. I worked at a children’s art camp. My boyfriend’s dad had a heart attack, followed by my boyfriend having a panic attack. I started new at a new university in a program I love. My friends stopped calling and emailing me and I am constantly losing contact and closeness with more and more people. My boyfriend’s life was(is) slowly derailed by his mother’s absence and the political ridiculousness in Iran. I grew stressed. He grew angry and pent up. And then that stress bubble popped in the last few weeks. Concussions, exams, and Christmas. Those were my holidays. That was my summer. That was 2009.
Needless to say I am ready for something different. I can’t promise myself something better because I don’t know if it’s going to get better. I know life has a way of getting worse before it climbs back up the slope to better. I know that I should expect the worst but I am tired of that, and I am a naturally optimistic person but I cannot help myself. I don’t know if things will get better. Life will keep moving, that is sure.
This year I’m going to move into my 3rd year of university…. what? I really am that old now, I guess. It’s about time for me to start doing something, to start putting myself out there. Somebody has to want to read me.. I have to connect to someone, or I feel like I might die. Okay, that’s a little extravagant, but you need that sort of dramatic statement every now and then to put things into balance. What I am trying to say is that I am ready for things to start going my way again. It is time, life, if you didn’t get the memo.
There is only so much of this I can take and I am about at that really red line before the whole thermometer bursts into poisonous liquid and burns your eyes out and your ears start hissing like train whistles.
So here’s to something different. Here’s to turning 20(?!) and learning more patience (as ever) and getting happiness out of nooks and crannies.
Here’s to two thousand ten. (2010)