i didn’t feel like coming, but i also kinda felt like crying

If there is one thing I am happy about at this current moment, it is the music of Regina Spektor.  And jazz, especially the good cheesy stuff they always play on 91.1 Jazz fm in December.  It’s so much better than the holiday soundtracks in the stores at the mall. Oh god.  Those things feel like death rats burrowing into the depths of all of my happy emotions.

Speaking of rats… I have never really been a blog-follower so to say because I have a tendency to stay away from large amounts of variety if I can help it, because it scares me to even begin filtering through shit. Examples: interesting new music (as opposed to the radio), department stores like Costco, blogs, cool internet-like stuff, pencil crayons.  I’ve actually been known to have a great idea for a drawing and because I had so many things out in front of me I got all frazzled and just went to go do something else. I feel this way with books sometimes too, which is why I LOVE that my program at university makes it easier for me to read stuff (ie. classics?).  I guess it’s a fear of tackling the unknown – which is why I love support services so much, and specialized classes and stuff, because they open the door to so many resources that just make it easier.

ANYWAY, speaking of segues.  I came across a blog called F U, PENGUIN which I thought was kind of odd at first because, really, who hates penguins.  However, it is so incredibly witty and funny that every time I read a post (I’ve been backtracking because there hasn’t been anything new for the two days that I’ve been following it haha) I contort my face into some sort of thing that I’m sure my boyfriend would dump me for if ever he saw it.  Also, I laugh.

Anyway, what I was thinking is that I need to start writing some short stories.  I need some like… oomph back in my confidence.  Maybe I’m not the greatest writer yet, maybe I will never be.  But this whole competition thing that I have in me really needs to gets squelched.  Is that a word?  That’s not the point.  The POINT is that a week ago my I was riding in the car with my boyfriend and I just started talking.  Sometimes the things that come out of my mouth even make sense, although very often it just resembles whining and some sort of passive-aggressive grudges from my childhood that I am transferring to the people currently in my life.

ANYWAY, I started talking about literature and writing in general, because I’ve just… I feel like I’m in a state of constant disapproval of my writing.  There’s always someone out there that’s more entrepreneurial, smarter, wittier, better with people, better public speaker, better contest winner, ETC.  And instead of feeling encouragement for them and being happy that the field of literature is improving, I feel jealous.  I don’t know if this is just me, or everyone in general, although I’ve heard whispers that everyone feels this respectively in their fields.  The point that my boyfriend brought up, which was interesting because it was intertwined with his minister (pious and all), and I generally hate things in life tied in with religion and given in the form of life lessons from Jesus (a topic I will cover another time).  Despite this prejudice of mine, I heard him out and what I got from it was that I should fuck everyone else, fuck getting published, noticed, etc.  My main goal should be writing. Always. Never publicity.  Never being better than someone else.  Because that will not help me in the future.  What will help me in the future as a writer is improving my writing, and writing all of the time.  Because if I want to be a writer I should focus on my writing, not on the extravagances and extracurricular activities that come to other artists/writers (ie. drinking excessively).   I should improve what I love, not care about what comes from it.  Because I don’t really do it for that anyway – I guess I just want people to read my work.

So that was my dilemma – jealousy.  It still is, and I don’t want to deal with it because I know I am better than this. I am a better person.  So I am going to try to follow his advice and focus on my writing.  And my life in general, I guess.  But hey, THAT was pretty depressing, I’ve just been meaning to get it off my chest for a while, so I thought it was a good time, since I needed to procrastinate a little bit studying for my first exam tomorrow.

The funny part is that I can easily write a 1000 words on here in less than half an hour, but when it comes to writing an essay of 600 words it can take me DAYS on end worth of procrastination to get something down on paper.  How funny life is.

Like I said though, Regina Spektor is like a story in a song.  Like for example, Scarecrow and Fungus, (“he’s got enough money to buy a new father!”) the song I’m listening to right now.  Or even my FAVOURITE song of hers – Consequence of Sounds, which at one point in my life I copied the entire lyrics of into my journal.  Adoration, how obsessive you are.  ALSO, don’t you LOVE her red curly hair?  The sexual favours I would hand out had I that hair.  (A romantic favourite of mine from her is called Us, a la “they’ll name a city after us, and later say it’s all our fault..”)  Now, I realize that she has a whole new CD out, but I just can’t tear myself away from her old songs.  Just freaking precious.  However, Laughing With is also pretty interesting.  All of her songs have some sort of sadness in them, despite sometimes being set to cheery, beautiful music.  I really do like this song though.  Maybe I just haven’t had time to listen to her new album yet, which is why I say I love her old stuff.  Either way, I just love her.

That’s all I got for today, time to go study or be useful in one way or another.

Ciao. Arina.

PS. Today was my youtube morning for some reason or other, but either way I stumbled upon Craig Ferguson as host of The Late Late Show and oh my god I love those fucking Scottish bastards.  I would just make love to their wit all day long.

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