hello, 23

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Let it forever be known that the night before my 23rd birthday, I ordered a Macbook Pro from my mother’s credit card, had my own credit card defrauded, and watched BonesBones and Booth with my 4-month-old, incredibly itchy and unbearably cute little pup.

I am surprisingly okay with this, with my impending joblessness (unemployment), and with my upcoming free time during the summer. I am okay with being an overachiever and a little overworked. I am really, really okay with my life. I am happy here, despite wanting so much, because I know how lucky I really am.

I know how to be grateful for things, and I think by 23, that can be considered an achievement, albeit a small one.

What do I think 23 will involve?

Lots of change. I can read all the Thought Catalog articles I want on “being in your 20s”, but I have barely scraped the surface of this decade I’ve been inhabiting for 3 years already. I’ve finished university and pursued job opportunities, sure. I’ve also visited Europe, which, let’s face it, is a “thing you do in your 20′s”. I’ve bought a dog and made peace with my insane family (most of the time anyway). I have learned how to step away from things, although stepping away from 7 seasons of a TV show still proves to be a struggle. But I’ve learned how to manage my money and earn it; I’ve learned how to say no when people are pushing me too far, and I’ve learned to say yes when people are willing to actually come to the party.

I’ve learned a lot of things, but I think I’m still learning to enjoy the moment. To ride the wave and really be amazed in the instant of the fact that I’m gliding on water.

This year will probably involve moving out, being adult-ish, getting a “real job”, and all sorts of boring things like figuring out who I am and what I’m really capable of as a person. I’m excited. It will be a fun challenge. It’ll be so terrifying that I’m sure I’ll come home certain days and just cry into my dog’s stomach, further dirtying her fur with my snot, but I also hope there will be days that I just dance into my favourite pair of underwear and get dressed like the Queen herself is visiting me (although, hey, I don’t really dig monarchies, but I’d make an exception, I guess).

I will try to keep track of everything, although, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I haven’t really figured out (STILL. STILL. My frustration knows no end.) what I want this blog to be. Maybe instead of making it something, I’ll just write and ramble about whatever the hell I want and see what turns out. It works in cooking!

Sometimes.

Let’s hope this is one of those times.

Herzstraße

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Berlin

I miss Berlin like I would miss the womb of another woman;
(if I could imagine) the unraveling reality of it.
I miss its close society:
the pre-war closets and graffiti’d walls
the secrets kept wide open on the kitchen tables
and the wine that made these strangers all fast friends.

I miss Berlin
much like I missed the idea of me being born Spanish
or Costa Rican
or Turkish
and having taken in the afternoon chais and middlenoon siestas and post-night/pre-morning
dancing until dawn,
amid giant boulders and thin alleys and tree-laden rooftops.

I miss Berlin like I miss the sliding door
I could have (might have) missed
on a platform asking for passengers,
trains travelling in all directions one-by-one
all through the post-night dregs of early morning.

Directionfull, and me, directionless.

I miss its small cafes and unabashed mothers
its vintage shops and Russian discos
its factories and rivers
its musical revolutions and historical resolutions
its efficacy and cacophony
its hindered beauty and its rushed development
its emptiness and fullness
my desire and

its desire
for being awake through tidal waves
through sun beams and broken beams and
fires in their opalescent collective souls.

Something I found in the draft archives! Enjoy. A.

Small thoughts, big ideas

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People stop noticing and doing these things when they get older, but

rumi

that moment when a kid grips your hand really tight when they see something new and overwhelming and scarily exciting,

that moment when a pup lays their head wherever and however closer they can to your body, their lip tugging on the material of your jeans, their teeth lazily exposed, their paw warming a circular area on your thigh,

that moment your little sister defers to your opinion,

that moment your computer screen is covered in licks,

that moment that you realize despite the 3 jobs, 4 rejections, and 1500 options, you are a person whose little things matter, and whose big things will either get solved, pass, or be traded in for smaller (bigger) things.

Listen here.